Reflections -- TMNT
by Mica
Summary: In the aftermath of Leo's death, the turtles and Splinter must cope... How will they deal with it? Will it destroy them all? ~In Progress
1. Past Ties

Reflections -- Prologue

# Reflections

  


### Prologue -- "Past Ties"

  
_By Marne E. Gustaf (A.K.A. Micansana)_  
  
This story is dedicated to Marion Larson, 1924-1997, a leader in many respects, who is very much missed.

  
  
NOTE: This story will come out slowly, and past chapters are subject to change  


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**Michealangelo**  
  
1st Journal Entry - 1/22  
  
My name is Michealangelo. I really don't know why I'm writing this. I think that maybe if I get this all down on paper I'll be able to begin to sort it all out.  
I guess the first thing you should know about me is that I'm a mutant. A mutant turtle to be exact. I have... _had_ three brothers just like me. We were all named after Renaissance painters. There's me, Michealangelo, my brothers Donatello and Raphael, and then there is... _was_ Leonardo.  
God, even thinking about it makes me want to scream, swear, and cry all at the same time. Leo died over a month ago, but I still can't even think of him without crying.  
I'm bawling like a baby now, probably soaking the paper, probably won't be able to read what I wrote, but I'm gonna try to continue anyway. I need to get this outta my system, and everyone around here is too deep in mourning to be bothered right now.  
It all started simple enough. Leo caught a cold. Splinter made him stay in bed, drink lots of liquids, etc.... I took the role of nursemaid, as I always seemed to do when one of us fell ill.  
When his cold refused to respond to the normal treatment, April insisted he be moved out of the drafty sewers. He was moved into her apartment house, into my basement apartment. I still remember his protests. The warmer atmosphere seemed to help him a bit, but then he rebounded and got even worse.  
I guess I should have realized something was seriously wrong when the coughing spasms began...  
It wasn't until Leo started coughing up blood that he finally allowed Donatello to do some tests. I don't know why he wouldn't just do the tests in the first place. He kept telling us it was "just a cold". Now, I guess none of us will ever really know why.  
The tests told us that Leo had developed a bad case of pneumonia. There wasn't much we could do. We managed to get some antibiotics, thanks to April, and we got him started on them. He started to get better... slowly.  
It took him quite a while to recover... little did we know that he would never _fully_ recover.  
The peak of the illness' wrath came about two months after Donatello had diagnosed his condition. That was the night from hell. I don't remember all of it, just snippets here and there... Leo coughing up so much blood that he needed a transfusion... His nightmarish screams... screams that still haunt me... Holding him down as he thrashed like a ((trapped)) animal. To think about it makes me shudder... I think my mind has blanked out a lot of the memories from that night, and that's fine with me. I'm pretty sure I _don't_ want to remember.  
I remember the morning after. We all were sure if Leo could make it through that, he could make it through anything this disease could dish up... God, if we'd only known.  
Leo was up and hobbling around the apartment about a month after that dreadful night. He acted like a caged tiger, re-toning his muscles, going overboard on his ninja exercises, even though we all warned him to take it easy, and generally being in a grumpy mood. We all put up with his cabin fever symptoms with a smile though. I think we all were very relieved that he was better, even if he was cranky. We were just glad that the trying ordeal was finally coming to a close. In fact, that might have been why we let him go with us that fateful night.  
Around two weeks after Leo had got out of bed, Splinter finally gave the okay for him to go out on a practice run with us... a _short_ one. We all had been bugging Splinter to let him go, because we were all sick of Leo's whining.  
_'What can happen? It's just a short run.'_ I remember thinking. I didn't realize that danger can lurk even on the shortest of routes.  
It started out as a normal practice run. Leo was ecstatic to be outdoors. He was pulling tricks, cartwheels, flips. You would have never guessed that less than a month earlier he had been bedridden and dying.  
Near the end of the run though, we spotted a group of punks breaking into a store. Leo, being the hero that he was, had to stop them.  
Most of the punks were carrying blades, clubs, 'chucks, and bludgeons, though a few of them had stashed guns, which were quickly knocked from them. We fought them, knocking out or tying up almost all of them. Leo fought full force, with an amazing vigor.  
After we were done, I looked at Leo. He started coughing violently, then fell down, still coughing. When the coughing ceased, Leo was unconscious, bleeding from a large crack in the side of his shell... and not breathing. Raphael made sure none of those punks lived past that night.  
Between Donnie and me, we managed to get Leo breathing and keep him that way until we could get him bandaged up. We transported him back to the apartment. He still hadn't woken up... Leo never woke up after that night. He died four days later, due to the fact that the crack in his shell had leaked blood into his lungs, compounding with the fluid he still had in his lungs from the pneumonia.  
I guess you _could_ call that the end. But in real life, there is no end. It may have been Leo's end but the living have to keep on doing just that... _living_. I don't want to write anymore right now. I thought writing would help me, but it has just made my heart seem to rip apart all over again.  
  


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2nd Journal Entry - 2/15  
  
Hi again. I decided to continue writing... mostly because it gives me something to do besides play scrabble with Raph and Donnie.  
It's kind of odd you know. I thought if any of us ever left or died, our group would fall apart. Instead, it's seemed to pull us together. Whereas Raphael used to disappear for days, even weeks at a time, and no one would know his whereabouts, now none of us leave without telling someone where we're going. I guess we all are just so afraid that another one of us will be taken. It's sad that it took Leo's death to do this, but it's a welcome change.  
I see the changes in my two brothers. I _feel_ the changes in me. It's painful, it's sad, sorrowful mourning. I think you never really get over someone that close to you dying... I think you just get used to the idea of them being dead.  
I moved back down to our sewer lair less then a week after Leo died. I couldn't stand to be in the apartment anymore. Every time I looked around, all I could see was Leo's still form and all I could hear was his harsh, scratchy breathing... and it stopping. There were too many painful memories there.  
Raphael moved back about a week after me, but he was always around us. I think he's afraid to be alone... and _that's_ scary. I know the nightmares are starting to get to him. He has become so shattered. A pale ghost of his former self. I've seen him cry more times in these last weeks since Leo died than I've ever seen him cry in his entire life. Seeing the seemingly strongest and least emotional of my brothers deteriorate like this... well, frankly it's scaring the shit outta me.  
Donatello has changed too. You can't talk to him about Leo dying, he'll block you out. He's ignoring it. He hasn't slept on a bed since it happened. I'm worried that maybe he blames himself. He won't go back into his and Leo's room. He's even been less involved in his work lately. I hardly see him fixing or inventing anything anymore. He still dissapears for hours in his lab, sure, but he never has anything to show for it. I worry about him too.  
Well, I'm going to quit now, maybe I'll write some more later. I can hear my brothers in the other room. Raphael is trying to convince Donnie that 'zittub' is a word, which means we'll be playing trivial pursuit soon.  
  


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* * *

**Raphael**  
  
I entered the practice room, I looked around. On the wall I saw a pair of katana. They reminded me of him. "Damn" I muttered. I wanted to forget... How could Donnie forget so easily? Didn't he care? I muttered a few more obscenities and stabbed at the empty air with my sai.  
In my family, I'm the hothead, I'm the risk taker, the angry one. That's why it surprises me that I outlived Leo. Leonardo was always the cautious one, the really strong one. I act like I'm stronger, but I'm probably just more arrogant. It's really ironic that Leo was taken down by a little virus. The great 'ninja master' taken down by a little bug so small it's practically invisible.  
I get so mad at him sometimes. Why the hell did he have to be so stubborn? Why the fuck didn't he just take those tests in the first place?! I get _so_ mad at him sometimes, then I remember he's dead, and I want to cry all over again.  
I feel myself falling apart inside. My anger boils up inside of me, but I can't take it out on my brothers. Leo died before I could apologize to him about an argument we had. I don't wanna take that chance with Mikey or Don, so I keep the fury inside, and it burns at my guts.  
It's as if I can't see past this fire, this blindness. I never was one to believe in an afterlife, but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe there is one. If there is, I hope... no, I _know_ Leo is in heaven or whatever equivalent of it there is.  
While inside is the anger and the doubt. Outside, I feel fear. My fear and others. It surrounds me, it seeks to crush me in it's bony fingers. I don't dare fight it, the fear is too great. I simply can cower and whimper in terror as the monster slowly consumes my flesh and my soul.  
I started a kata with my sai, trying to let the familiar, dependable motions tame the chaos that had become my life, and the flowing movement soothe my rough, jumbled mind.  
For a while it worked. Concentrating on the metal slashing the air and the glint of the sai flashing cleared my mind. I was able to get a short reprieve.  
But soon the thoughts came creeping back, like blood seeping into fabric.... my thoughts returned to my absentee brother. I lost my concentration and one of the sai clattered to the floor.  
I just stood there and looked down at it. It was who I was... who _we_ were... and yet, it hurt me. All of the ninja training and self discipline the world could not... _had not_ saved Leo. Why was I even doing this anymore?  
"Damn you, Leo" I mumbled, biting back tears. Then I looked up, I saw the pair of katana on the wall... _his_ katana.  
"DAMN YOU!!" I shouted to no one. I hurled my sai away from myself angrily. It hit the concrete wall and stuck there. I left it, I exited the practice room.  
Mike and Don were playing cards at the table. I saw them shoot me concerned, questioning glances. It was all it took. I covered my face and began to sob. "Why why why..." I mumbled. Why did the fates hate us so? Didn't they know that I _needed_ Leonardo? Didn't they care?  
I barely acknowledged Mike. He hugged me. "Raph," he said "We all miss him."  
When I finally stopped crying and broke away from Mike, Donnie had disappeared. _'Typical'_ I thought acidly, anger replacing sorrow quickly, _'Always disappearing when we need him most.'_ I sat down across from Mike at the table, Mike pulled all the cards together and shuffled them.  
"C'mon," he said "Let's play." I sighed to myself as Mike dealt me a hand for 'Go Fish', but took up the cards and distracted myself from the doom and darkness of the day.  
  


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**Donatello**  
  
1st Journal Entry - 2/24  
  
I _think_ too much... that's my problem... I over-analyze things and I don't... no, I _can't_ feel enough. I'm too level-headed for my own good. I still don't feel the pain of my own brother's death... and I _should_, damnit! I guess I've always known we'd all die sometime... I guess I always thought Raph would be first because of his carelessness.  
I also always thought Leo would go down in battle... in a way he kinda did... but it was the illness that got him in the end, not the slash to his shell. I'm actually glad it was the illness. If he'd gone down in battle, there my have been no body, or only remnants of one. Then, there would always be the lingering question of if he was really dead, but this way it's clear and precise. I guess I like things this way, exact and reliable, like a computer equation... even in death.  
I know he'd kill me if he ever found out I thought that way but... no, actually, on second thought, he wouldn't kill me... I have to quit using that term so liberally, even in my writing. Leo's death has brought a finality, a morbid realness to death that I never thought possible.  
After he died, I was the one who prepared the body for burial, I was the one who told everyone, including April. I did everything... I thought then that it was my way of mourning, going into task mode, but now I realize I wasn't feeling anything then, and I still don't. The only thing I really feel is frustration and anger at myself for _not_ feeling...  
I don't know why I don't feel. Maybe Raph's right, maybe I _don't_ care... but no... I _DO_... I care desperately... HE WAS MY BROTHER, DAMNIT! But this pain is too much to bear... I can't carry this heavy load anymore... It's hurting me, it's pulling me down... I feel like I'm drowning.  
Damn, I'm just all fucked up and I don't know what to do or how to feel... I hate to say this, but life has shown no answers for me.. maybe death is the only answer...  
  


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2nd Journal Entry - 3/1  
  
The beginning of a new month... a new beginning... Hah! How I wish it was that easy. I am feeling much better than when I wrote last. Maybe because I have realized it was my fault Leo died and accepted it.  
Also, I am not proud to admit it, I have started cutting myself. I first did it by accident, but now... it feels so good... the sharp bite of pain when the razor pierces the skin, then the blood flowing red out of it and pooling on the floor. I feel the tension leaving with my blood every time I do it. I feel the pain.  
I feel that maybe I am cheating somehow. If I feel pain through the cut, I am compensating for the lack of emotions I feel for my brother. Am I cheating? I don't know. I'm a scientist not a philosophist.  
Maybe, in some warped way, I am punishing myself for giving such poor medical aide to Leonardo, and for causing his death and so many others pain. I think if I do it enough I will ruin myself so much that I can never hurt anyone else again...  
I know my thoughts are twisted... maybe I'm going insane... maybe I already am insane... touched in the head... With all the shit I've been through, it wouldn't surprise me if I woke up tomorrow and I was completely psychotic. Maybe I already am... Maybe I'm a person somewhere in a mental ward in a straight jacket, just hallucinating that I'm a ninja turtle and that my brother died... if so, I hope I wake up soon, for this illusion is too painful.  
  


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**Splinter**  
  
Journal entry 3/10  
  
No teacher ever wants to outlive his students, and yet that is what has sadly happened to me. I have lost my prize pupil. Not only was Leonardo my pupil, though. He was my son. I realize now that I probably was too hard on him at times. I made mistakes. I am only, as to say, human. And at that, I am not even. I am a lowly rat. Nothing more than a pet to my master. Nothing more. I am glad I was able to give Leonardo something in his life, but still my sorrow is great at his passing.  
Leonardo was always striving for perfection. Working endlessly to refine each ninja move that I taught him. I hope, in wherever he is now, he has found that perfection that he so much strived for in his life.  
In his passing I have found myself filled with a great sadness. This grief fills me up from stem to sternum. I feel it from the tip of my tail to the core of my being. It disheartens me greatly. I feel as though my heart has fallen apart.  
I also feel anger... an emotion I have strived to put out of my mind. If Leonardo had been human, his illness would have never progressed to the stage it did. He could have gone to a hospital. He could have gotten the care he needed.  
With this anger, I also feel guilt. If I had not taught him the ninja ways... If I had not pounded the importance of doing the honorable thing into him... he might still be alive today...  
Then I think _'at what cost?'_ Sure, I could have protected him, sure, I could have sheltered them all. But it is likely that they would be dead by now and I as well, if not an experiment in a lab somewhere. Oroku Saki would still be running his crooked "protection services", April would be dead, and Baxter may have taken over the city with those mousers of his.  
I see how this has affected my other three students. They look to me for guidance and answers, but I am just as lost as them. I see them pulling closer together. I stay out of their link. I find myself pulling farther and farther away. Distancing myself... Why? Do I fear their deaths may be as untimely? I am lost. I am drifting. I do not know what to do...  
  


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**April O'Neil**  
  
Journal Entry - 3/24  
  
Dear Diary,  
I guess I'm alone now. I want to start anew, but first I have to sift through the past. I started cleaning out Mike's I mean, the basement apartment yesterday. I need to get on with my life. I need to forget the turtles. Just a demented chapter in my life. As I clean out that old apartment, I feel as though I am turning a new page in my life. It's hard... but it has to be done.  
As I start this new diary, I start a new chapter in my life. The friendships I'd had in the past are now gone, I have seen that I am not needed.  
As an outsider though, I have been able to observe the turtles in their mourning of their fallen comrade, the lamenting of their _brother_, Leonardo.  
They have not been up to see me for months now... not since Mike moved out... I have been down to see them a few times, but they seem so withdrawn. Donatello was the only one who would say more than a word to me, and he seemed, I don't know... _messed up_...  
I don't know... I have to start anew... there are times now when I can go through almost an entire day without thinking of them. Hopefully, I can return to the human race smoothly. But, how can I go back to the normal hum-drum of life when I know that there are huge talking turtles out there? How can I travel in the subway, knowing that they are not there anymore... hiding in the shadows... _protecting_....?  
I don't know how, but I'll have to try... I have no other choice...  
  
  
[E-mail me][1] with comments, or review me!  
  


   [1]: mailto:TurtleGal9@AOL.com



	2. Illusions

Reflections -- Chapter 1

# Reflections

  


### Chapter 1 -- "Illusions"

  
_By Marne E. Gustaf (A.K.A. Micansana)_  
  
This story is dedicated to Marion Larson, 1924-1997, a leader in many respects, who is very much missed.

  
  
NOTE: This story will come out slowly, and past chapters are subject to change  


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* * *

Morbid Thoughts

Morbid thoughts lurking,  
clouding up the mind.  
Am I still dreaming?  
Have I lost what's left this time?  
I need some help here!  
I'm floating in the tide.  
Black and solid, thick as mud,  
Moving slowly along.  
Am I still alive or dreaming?  
I can't tell, it's been so long.  
  
Mike looked up from his notebook. A single solitary tear wound down his face and fell onto the page, blurring the words. He had cried so much these last months. He was beginning to feel numb to the pain... But he was also beginning to doubt this emptiness inside of him, this _void_, would ever go away.  
Mike lolled his head to one side listlessly. He was tired of crying. He was still sad, but something inside of him was itching for something to happen. _Anything_!  
"Yo Mikey." Raph said, entering the room. Mike looked up, maybe Raph could provide the action he was looking for. "Splint's called a sparring session, I'm supposed to come get you."  
Mike thought for a second, _'A sparring session? Man, we're all so out of shape that this should prove **very** entertaining.'_ Mike got to his feet and followed his brother.  
Raph and Mike entered the training room. Splinter and Donatello were already there. Don was wearing a long sleeved flannel shirt. He was knocking his bo on the floor to an inaudible beat coming out of the old radio in the corner.  
"Donatello, please remove your shirt." Splinter said.  
"Uhh, if you don't mind, Splinter, I'd rather not." Donatello said, fidgeting, visibly nervous.  
"Whatsa matter, Don-san? You getting flabby arms on us or sumpin'?" Raph said, crossing his arms across his chest with a smirk.  
"No." Don said defensively "I- It's just... I'm just cold, that's all."  
Splinter had had about enough of this 'game'. "Donatello, remove your shirt." he said with a finality that no one dared to question.  
Don looked at his sensei, then at his brothers. He nervously pulled the flannel off. The others stared in shocked silence. Along Donatello's arms were a series of straight, yellowed skin... fresh scars. Donnie kept his head down, afraid to lift even his eyes.  
"DON!" Raph broke the silence "WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?!?" Don could hear the fury edging into Raph's tone.  
Donatello said nothing. Mikey had tears running down his face, all he could see was a blurred image of those raised bumps on Don's arms. His brain started churning... Those lines were so precise, so even. It would be impossible for someone to do them without Don's consent. They looked almost... _self inflicted_.  
"Oh gawd, no..." Mike said silently to himself. Was it possible that he had gotten so lost in his own sorrow that he hadn't seen his brother sink this far down? Pushing these thoughts aside, Mike pushed past his oldest brother to Don. Raph was still snapping and snarling and demanding that Donnie tell him who did this.  
Donnie was looking like he wanted to crawl into his shell and hide. Mike gently took his arm and made Don look at his face. "Donnie?" he asked as softly as possible "Did you do this to yourself?"  
Don let out a small choked sound, then he slowly nodded his head yes.  
There were a few seconds of stunned silence again, and then Raph broke the hush. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!! You stupid little idiot!!"  
"Raphael! That is quite enough." Splinter said sternly.  
But not even Splinter would stop Raphael right now. He was too angry. All that anger he had bottled up inside for so long was coming out. "No, It is NOT enough!! He's a stupid little asshole, Splinter!" Raphael then turned to Don, who was looking _very_ afraid. Raph grabbed him by the arms, wrenching him from a stunned Michaelangelo's grasp. Raph shook him angrily, Don turned a pale color, all pigment draining from his face. "What the hell were you trying to do Don!?!?! Don't you think this family has been through enough SHIT!?!? Do you think we want to lose ANOTHER brother!!!! You're supposed to be the smart one! Well, Donnie, this was a REAAL dope move, _REAL_ dope. You disgust me." Raph snarled and pushed Don with all of his strength. Donnie went flying across the room and smashed into the wall. Raphael flashed the others a look of such pure, malicious anger that not even Splinter would have dared got in his way as he stalked out.  
Donatello groaned as he picked himself up, he was shaking like a leaf and his fear was still running high.  
Mike looked at his battered brother, then looked to the door where Raph had stalked out. _'Well, at least Raph is back to normal.'_ he thought bitterly, cursing his tempermental brother.  
  


* * *

  
Raphael stood on the cold hard metal train bridge. He stared down at the black rushing water below, his breathing loud in his ears. The waves twisted and churned, biting and snarling at each other, symbolizing the way Raph felt inside.  
"It'd be so easy..." Raph said quietly to himself, "The body would wash out to sea... no evidence for those damn humans..."  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." said a voice behind him.  
_'Wha?'_ Raph wondered. How was it possible that this person had snuck up on him without him knowing!? He turned around quickly, ready to bark and snap at whoever was there. But one look stopped him dead in his tracks. Perched on the railing opposite him was a female turtle. She had a light blue eyemask, and a velvet black and red cloak that was latched around her neck was fluttering slightly in the breeze behind her. She had a voluptuous figure that caused Raph's mind to go into overdrive, and long curvy legs. One look at her, and Raph was thinking she looked like a turtle version of barbie.  
She finished buffing her nails with the nail file, then looked up at him. "Now you don't wanna jump, do ya?" she fluttered her eyelids at him, "What if the body _doesn't_ get washed out to sea? What if it washes up somewhere on shore? Then, what about your family?"  
"What the hell do you know about my family!?" Raphael snarled, his anger overwhelming his curiosity.  
"I know a lot. Like your brother, Leonardo, died about six or seven months ago. I know that it would be no fair for you to jump. I mean, your other brother, Michealangelo, only has one sibling left. Would it be fair to take that from him too?"  
"What the hell are you talking about? There are three of us left!" Raph snapped.  
"Oh Raphy, Raphy, you don't really think Donatello survived that, do you? Even _you_ should be able to see that he couldn't. I mean, he was already weak from blood loss."  
"LIAR!" Raph raged. In a lightning fast move, he took his sai and stabbed her in the chest, right above her chestplate, shoving the glinting steel in deep. "You fucking little lying whore!" he growled. He spat at her as he pulled it out with a savage twist.  
"Tsk tsk tsk," she said, her voice turning low and husky, "Such a temper Raphael!" and before his eyes her form shifted into one of a human male. He was Hispanic, and an amused smile was annoyingly on his lips.  
"Who- _What_ the fuck are you?" Raph asked, a mix of fear and anger in his awed voice.  
"Hmmm, now that's a toughie. I'm an illusion, kinda. I'm real, but then again, I'm not."  
"Who are you?" Raph asked in a low, menacing voice.  
The being belted out a laugh. "I've been called a lot of things, hmmm... lessee, Hell Spawn, Demon, Freak, Raven, Coyote, I rather liked that one, along with some names I'd rather not repeat. But, seeing as I'm both a spectator and an illusion here, you can call me Specter."  
Raphael snarled and spun around, he stomped away, the cold metal stinging his feet even through his thick calluses. Specter dug his hands into his pockets, smirked, and followed him, whistling to himself.  
After walking a bit, Raphael took to the rooftops. Specter followed him. Following Raph on this level was hard, and Specter found his current body ill equipped, so he switched to a better suited one.  
"So Fireball, where are we going?" Specter asked.  
Raphael stopped dead in his tracks at the sound of that familiar voice. The only one who ever had called him that name, _Fireball_, was dead, or so he thought. Was it possible? ..._'No'_ he thought bitterly to himself, _'It's just another one of that bastard's tricks.'_  
He spun around, ready to yell at Specter, but when he saw the ghost of his older brother, he couldn't talk over the lump in his throat. It was perfect down to the last detail. Leonardo. Strong, youthful, and vibrant. Leonardo, before that disease had deteriorated his body. _'Oh, god, that **bastard**.'_  
Raph swallowed the lump in his throat, and found his voice "Who the FUCK gave you permission to use that form, you sadistic asshole!?!"  
"Oh, you don't like this form?" Specter said with a smirk "I'll find one you like better." and he shifted into Raphael's form. An odd look came onto Specter-Raphael's face, as if he was trying to control himself. He shook his head violently, then replaced that look with the smug smirk that Raph was beginning to loathe. "You got a lot of anger in you, Raph, my boy." he said in a voice that mimed Raph's gruff tone perfectly.  
Raphael growled and bristled. He wanted to deck that Specter across the face, but he just couldn't bring himself to hit... well... _himself_. Instead he spun around and started running across the rooftops, trying to lose Specter. But, to no avail.  
Raphael dropped down onto April's fire escape. About two seconds later, Specter dropped down next to him, still in Raphael's form. "Ah, April O'Neil's." Specter's smirk turned a little more smug "Too bad that you're a turtle, Raphael. She is one fine lady." Specter shifted back into his human male form.  
Raphael sneered at him "_You_ aren't welcome here."  
"What?" Specter said, "Oh, I'm sorry, you must think I _care_."  
Raphael growled angrily and muttered something inaudible under his breath. He slid the sliding door to April's apartment open. "April!" he called, "You home?"  
"Raph? Is that you?" came April's voice.  
"Yea." Raph said, stepping into the living room.  
April appeared from the hallway "Raph!" she called happily, she ran over and gave him a hug. Raphael returned the hug.  
"Whoa! I guess I have the wrong form, looks like April here prefers you green skins."  
"I _said_ you weren't welcome here." Raph growled under his breath.  
April pulled away from Raph and looked at him in confusion. "Me?" she asked.  
"No," he glared off into space, "Him."  
April turned around, confused, "uhhh... _who_, Raph?"  
"HIM!" Raph said pointing at Specter.  
April turned and looked at Specter, who was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Raphael noticed with much distress that she seemed to stare right through him. She shifted her eyes left and right, and with an increasing urgency, up and down. "Uhhhh," April said nervously, "There's no one here but us, Raph."  
"Oh, did I forget to tell you? You're the only one who can see me." Specter smirked.  
"You bastard, show yourself to her, Specter. I'm not afraid to stab you again!"  
"Tsk tsk tsk, so much anger Raphael, it's just not healthy. I don't wanna show myself to her, and I'm not afraid of you, so you can stop threatening me. You've seen that it has no effect on me, I'll simply shift out of this form into another one."  
"Ass..." Raphael growled.  
April looked on in shock. Raphael really seemed to see something, and be talking to it! What was this? Some kind of sick, perverse practical joke?  
"Raphael," April said, "What's going on?"  
Raphael dropped his head... he wasn't sure. "I don't know April. I think I'm going insane."  
April put her arm around his shoulders to comfort him. Suddenly Raphael remembered his reason for going to April's. "April, can you do me a favor?"  
"What?"  
"Can- Can you call the lair and make sure Donnie's okay?"  
"Can't you?" April asked.  
"I'm pretty sure I'm not very welcome there at the moment. I sorta exploded at Don and I'm afraid that I hurt him."  
"Okay." April said. She went and picked up the phone. She dialed the lair's number from memory. As the phone rang, she thought to herself _'Jeez, just when I was sure I'd never see 'em again, Raph comes back into my life and he's gone totally WACKO!'_  
"Hello?" said Michaelangelo's voice on the other end of the phone.  
"Hi Mikey. It's April."  
"Oh hi April. Have you seen Raphael?"  
"Yes, I have." April said, turning around and seeing Raph sitting on the couch, growling and bristling at something she couldn't see. "He's here with me in the apartment. In fact, that's why I called. He wants to know if Don's all right."  
"Donnie's fine. No thanks to HIM."  
"What happened?"  
"I'd rather not talk about it. What it comes down to is that Raphael lost his temper and almost KILLED Donatello!" April was pretty sure Mike was exaggerating, but he sounded pissed off. Anger was not a common emotion for Mike, so maybe he wasn't.  
"What should I tell him?" April asked.  
"Don't tell him anything, let _me_ talk to him."  
April looked at Raph, he was sneering at that thing she couldn't see again. "Okay, Mike, but I need to talk to you a little later. I'll call later tonight. I'll go get Raph."  
"Raphael, your brother wants to talk to you."  
"Uh oh, Raph's in trouble." Specter said, grinning that sardonic grin that Raph so hated.  
Of course, April couldn't see or hear him, so it confused her even more when Raphael growled "Shut up." at apparently nothing. She sighed and shook her head, then handed him the phone.  
"Hello?" Raph said.  
"Raph?"  
"Yea."  
"I'm _very_ mad at you Raphael. You are not welcome down here tonight. You can find your own place to sleep. And until you can learn to control your temper, you are not to set so much as a FOOT into this lair, you hear me? You nearly KILLED Donatello tonight. Like you said, we don't need another dead brother. I don't wanna lose you as a brother, but I'd rather let you go then let one of your childish temper tantrums kill one of us!" Mikey slammed down the phone, angry as hell. He wasn't sure if he was more mad at himself, or mad at Raphael. Probably a mix of both.  
On the other end of the line, Raphael stood in silence, listening to the dial tone. He slowly set the receiver back in it's place. He drew in a long shaky breath and turned to face April.  
"So?" April asked.  
"Can I hole up with you for the night, April? I was right about not being welcome back in the lair."  
"Sure." April said, trying to smile and make the best of the situation. But when she remembered what Mikey had told her, she just _couldn't_ be cheery.  
April went and got some blankets and a pillow from the closet. She gave them to Raph and went to get herself ready for bed. As she changed into her pajamas, Michaelangelo's words kept running through her head, _'He almost KILLED Donatello!'_ and she was letting him sleep in her living room.  
April sighed as she slipped the flannel nightshirt over her head. _'Also,'_ she thought to herself, _'He's talking to shadows. Who's to say he won't think **I'm** one of those shadow and try to hurt me?!'_ the thought made April shudder.  
"What am I getting myself into?" April sighed to herself.  
  


* * *

  
Out in the living room, Raph thought about what Mike had said as he made up his bed on the couch. It had hurt him. If it had been anyone else he could have just easily blown it off, but this was Michaelangelo. His best buddy. His counterpart. Mike was the cheery one of the group, and Raph had somehow managed to tee him off.  
Raph knew he was losing it. It had started long before Leo had died. Long before Leo had even fallen ill. His brother's death had just been the breaking point for Raph. He had finally snapped. His first reactions had been of fear, and now he saw that this insanity inside his head could not be contained. It took odd forms.  
Raphael looked at Specter, who was inspecting the contents of April's fridge. "Stupid crappy." Raph muttered under his breath.  
Raph heard April talking to herself. He snuck over to her room, ninja style. He peeked in and saw as she turned that she had her cordless tucked up between her face and ear. "No Mike, I'm serious. He's completely loosing it... He's talking to, and _yelling_ at shadows, Mike!" April said, "Well, I'm just warning you to be careful when.. uh.. _if_ he comes home, he's just not stable Mike."  
Raphael sighed and snuck back to the living room. He didn't see Specter anywhere, and frankly, he didn't much care. He lay down on the couch and blinked back the tears. _'I **am** going insane.'_ he thought to himself, _'I'm NOT stable. I just want to go home... but I don't even have that anymore.'_  
  
  
Chapter 2 coming someday *G*  
  
A special thank you to [Kerri Hofer][1] for allowing me to use her poem, _Morbid Thoughts_.  


[E-mail me][2] with any thoughts, or review me! :D 

   [1]: mailto:Loco_Panthera@hotmail.com
   [2]: mailto:TurtleGal9@AOL.com



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